Vulnerable

Scene: East Village Rooftop at night, the skyline in view, he leans against the side just looking out, thinking to himself, cigarette in hand

It’s been nearly 3 years since my last real relationship. I’ve dated women in that time but nothing longer than a few weeks or one night stands. Relationships have never worked out well for me in the past and I’ve developed severe trust issues thanks to them. I’m to blame as well for those relationships not working out. I had more or less accepted that I’d probably never get into another relationship, considering it had been almost three years and had plenty of failed attempts in that time. I figured you only get so many chances at them, and I had used up all mine. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve never really needed online dating to meet women, I’ve always wanted to be able to tell my kids an actual story of how I met their mother rather than ‘we both swiped right’. Ironically, I met you that way. I’m not saying you’re gonna be the mother of my children or anything, we’re definitely not there yet but this is my first relationship in a long time, and I’ve never been in one where I met my significant other in that way. Not that that makes a difference, as I’m learning now. I don’t even remember how to do this if I’m being honest. Relationships had begun to freak me the fuck out, I had become so used to just doing my own thing, whenever I wanna do it, I don’t know how to fit someone into my life anymore. The idea of having to worry about someone else’s feelings, time, getting attached, it all just didn’t seem worth it anymore, it didn’t seem like something I wanted to burden myself with anymore, I was truly content where I was, until you. I’m afraid I’ll fuck it up and wind up back where I was. But I don’t want to be truthfully, it’s been a few months and I’m crazy about you. It’s been a while since I’ve wanted to go out of my way for somebody, to do things for them, to see them even just for a few minutes cause that’s the best fucking part of my day. Seeing that smile and kissing you and your cute nose. I didn’t think I could ever find someone’s sneeze face cute, but yours is fucking adorable. I genuinely wanna hear about your day, even the mundane things you think no one wants to hear. I had forgotten what it’s like to miss somebody but, if I don’t see you for a couple days, I miss you. I didn’t notice it at first but a nurse at work pointed out ‘Doc, you always get this doofy smile when you look at your phone, who is she?’. I catch myself smiling just thinking about you sometimes. I’m not great with feelings and talking about them, though I am an overly self aware and self critical person, so I’m cognizant of how I feel, but the words retreat from my tongue every time I try to get them out. I know you’re not either, so until we get better at that I’ll keep these thoughts to myself, I don’t wanna freak you out. I guess part of my hang ups with talking about feelings and what’s going on in my head is that it’ll make me vulnerable, though I know that’s not necessarily a bad thing but, I’m working on it. You’re as tough as they come but you don’t have to burden yourself by keeping everything locked in your head, if you ever need to vent, or just talk I’m here. It doesn’t make you weak, I won’t think less of you. I know how much courage it takes to do that, but it’s ok to not be ok. I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this, my thoughts are all over the place. I’m sure you have your doubts and reservations as well.  I hope I can put them at ease with time.